I can feel the invitation in this week’s readings, assignments and orientation notes to open up to a more living engagement with life. Yet a familiar tone of limitation continues to affect everything.
What is this familiar tone of limitation? For me it seems that my mind is always full of the tasks that await me. In terms of a field analysis, this tone seems to be present in how I relate to any task that is compelled from outside (income taxes are due in 10 days) as well as those connected with a desire to have a “meaningful” life (study and writing, including TSK assignments). This tone involves a feeling that I lack the awareness, concentration and energy to succeed, and that there is not enough time and knowledge available to get everything done.
Within this pessimistic view of what is possible, lurks a sense that the future is already committed before it arrives.
I am drawn to certain engagements (notably TSK) more than others because they sometimes open to a wider perspective and they provide a vision of a freer way of being than the one to which I have grown accustomed.
A side effect of packing my days with activities that I feel obliged to pursue appears to be that I need entertainment breaks. So I watch videos and have some favourite TV serials. Too much self-imposed obligation necessitates entertainment breaks and too much mindless entertainment necessitates doubling down on the “meaningful” activities I assign myself. However neither guarantees that I am able to contact the fulfilling feelings of which the TSK readings speak so compellingly.
So I keep studying TSK because sometimes, while reading the texts, I feel that there really is another, more fulfilling way to live.